Hi people I don't think anyone is here anymore. But seriously this is the most romantic film every conceived? I just finished it and am quite honestly appalled at the premise and morals that this monstrosity stood for. Here are my thoughts. Obviously there will be spoilers, but this movie is so bad I don't think I would even call this spoiling. I don't think I'm a martyr but I think I would be at least salvaging it a bit.
This movie is recycled bullshit
So as we begin with every story, inconceivably dashing boy meets impossibly hot girl. They flirt and they get together. But as with all stories there will be a conflict. Conveniently, we rehash the eternal theme of feuding family, as first invented by Mr. Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet, if not literally than in ideals. Here we find a hint of originality: instead of the Montagut and Capsicum families being both really rich and feuding over some old unsettled score about where their grandfather chose to shit upon, the hot girl in The Notebook is richer than God himself and Ryan Gosling is poor as shit. Which is quite surprising really, because with his charm and good looks he would have easily earned some measure of respect and subsequently, wealth. Or he can be an actor, which I guess he is. Yet instead he chooses to be a manly ass lumberjack. Maybe he is Wolverine, nobody knows. Or he can choose to marry rich, which I guess he set out for in this movie and the only plot point that made sense. If that were his true purpose then boy did he commit to it. By the way, I have to say that I forgot the name of Juliet's family. I initially thought it was Capricorn, but I know that's a horoscope. Googling for the real name makes me accurate, which isn't the point of my writings. So I settled on Capsicum, because the fruit/vegetable(who cares?) is supple, glaringly colorful, but yet it tastes like a spicy bitch, very much what Juliet is about ultimately.
Where was I?
Yes. Boy meets girl. Summer fling. What seemed to be promised ecstasy meets the conflict of disapproving parents. What do you expect them to do now? Resolve it like civil people right? Noo. Rachel McAdams decides to be a prissy little bitch to everyone within viewing distance, including Ryan Gosling himself. Which reminds of the scene where she shoves and slaps him unceremoniously against his rather stylish pick-up truck. And he responds by slapping himself furiously. It's like if two countries wage war and the other goes okay and nukes itself. Hilarious. So, rather than solving the conflict right there and then, they have to drag shit out for a decade or so, raising several glaring points of moral failures in the process.
The girl is a whore
She goes out of town to college, meets new sweetheart, is engaged to marry. New dude is rich, charming, and is exactly who her parents want her to marry. And to top it all off, he is as handsome as James Marsden. Heck, he is James Marsden. Simple enough. But she chooses to go back to the hometown on a whim and sees Ryan Gosling, all handsome and shit again. In the glory of the downpour and the increased pheromones of a countryside boat ride, says she, "It wasn't over for me!". Says he, "It wasn't over. It still isn't over." They relinquish lost love and fuck like rabbits. WOW TRUE LOVE 4EVA. No fuck you. That is infidelity. You don't go out on a limb and have sex with your first love just because you are horny, especially not when you are engaged to marry. I'm not on a misogynistic witchhunt, because I'm moving on with my next point.
The guy is a manwhore
He serves in WW2, and most probably saw fellow men lost. Yet when he comes back in his lovelorn state he decides to have sex regularly with this war widow, treating her no more than a sperm receptacle. So when his bottom bitch that is Rachel McAdams decides to come back, he allows the two ladies meet. War widow proceeds to weep and note that this is true love she now seeks to achieve. Well thanks for nothing, Ryan Gosling. And seriously I cannot fathom how much dumber can that widow get. If he had more swagger he could have convinced her that he was Buddha Jesus and Megatron all in one.
Headless and tailless
In the wisdom of our Hokkien forefathers and their philosophy of pragmatism, this film fails on several notes and would have been burned at a stake for its lack of head and tail. The final scene depicts the couple, old as shit but not quite old enough to die. She has been suffering from Alzheimer's but his recounting of their story somehow magically heals her bitchy brain and allows her to remember once again. If true love were this potent doctors should have sex all the time and harvest administer-able doses of love instead of finding cures for HIV and cancer. So she remembers their bullshit story again, and in the final act of completely ill-conceived storyboarding they die together. The end.
Which begets the question. What is the meaning of it all? I would feel sympathy for their relationship if not for their complete douchebaggery and lack of moral code. I would feel happy that they died together if I ignored how glaringly mismatched they are. Given that the entire basis of their relationship was their hotness and the hormones that kept them from controlling the urge to rip out their clothes every waking minute, how did they handle the despair that followed when they turned old and not as hot? In this aspect I guess the Alzheimer's helped with the delusion. I think my point is that I am mostly angry that this poor series of emotional manipulations is considered one of the greatest romances ever told. I'm not saying that the Holocaust is better, but at least people knew they were being murdered rather than being led on foolishly like how this stupid movie does.
This shit sucks. I rather watch paint dry. Or waste my time writing a rant about it. Oh hey I just did.
