Biased movie reviews

As most would know, in the annual published rankings of cultural strength amongst Singaporean towns, our beloved Tampines placed a dismal 11th out of a possible thirteen towns. We had to do something about it. We have to get that 10th placing to fulfill the legacy that the Ten Brothers (please read our history if you're new) bestowed upon us.

Hence begat the question of how we should go about doing this. I was in the school library the other day and chanced upon local indie films. Not to be confused with local Indian films. Misinterpretation is a bad thing. Like when you order food, because the ones taking orders are usually elderly and quite possibly hard of hearing, and for the fact that 不要 sounds like 要 (seriously, it's just like you took a fart and said 要 in close succession), the mistake only sets into you when your tongue burns from the chilli that you clearly asked the auntie not to add. That stupid bitch. Realizing the implications of the Chinese language- more specifically, Mandarin- you try to converse in Hokkien, the de facto fifth national language. Then you realise it's worse, because the two vernaculars for want and dowan are ai and mai respectively, a 57% jump in phonetic similarity than their Mandarin counterparts, and 3 fold increase in incorrect orders being taken. So as most geniuses would suggest (actually me), just switch to English, save the trouble- after all, yes is like me and no is like a fugly person- worlds apart. At least audibly. The words, not me and the fugly person. Eager to put this new discovery to test, I replied a firm "no" when the mee pok lady (seriously, I didn't pork her) asked “要辣椒吗？”, complete with Chinese punctuation marks. So she replied “哈？你讲什么？” and I had no choice but to revert and say “不要辣椒” and she made the noodles and I went back with the noodles and cursed her ancestors when my mouth stung for the next three days.

So the watching of local films will definitely reinstate the glorious town back to its glorious tenth place in terms of cultural awareness, I thought. I borrowed and watched two of them, and herein lay my reviews of both. Funny, because review don't actually mean I go back and watch the show again, in fact I just write about the show, something I can do with my eyes closed and hence no viewing. Just like how I say I give you my two cents worth when my opinion probably isn't worth shit, and may in fact cost you since time is money. You get the idea.



Film #1: Kallang Roar

In the spirit of the World Cup (anyone who subscribed willing to adopt me?), I decided that this would be an appropriate and timely one.

The hell I was wrong. This made me not want to watch the World Cup. They say it's a tribute to the great players of old, featuring most of them and re-enacting key matches. But actors will be actors, and none could play football to save their lives. To be honest, none could act either. One actor/player looked like he went on the set right after he did the McDelivery advertisement, and for a moment I swear I wondered why they allowed two balls on the pitch. The film is as much of a tribute to the players as trampling on graves is for remembrance of the dead.








Film #2: The Carrot Cake Conversations

At first glance, this is a very act-atas show, the artsy fartsy kind that you will never watch unless you want to boost your hometown's cultural rankings. Just look at the poster. Without the knowledge of who the actors are you probably think it was a poster for a porno flick. And like all other spectra, both ends of the artistic spectrum will converge together in full circle, hence there really is no distinction between porn and fine art. As I start watching it, I realise; yeah, it is very pretentious indeed, most tell-tale sign being the slapped on accents. In fact, Adrian Pang's character was too cool for school that when he received a call and had the options to press yes, no, or mute, he had to take the uncharted course, promptly unwinding his car window and throwing the phone out instead. Bravo.

And then there is Andrea Fonseka's character of a prostitute in Geylang. Daughter of a carrot cake stall worker, yet perfectly articulate and full of charming wit, she charges $100 for an hour of her services. See the level of reality we are dealing with here? It is one thing to mislead, and entirely another to give desperate men such false hope. In short, it's like letting a girl watch High School Musical with ten Zac Efrons, but this is ten times more unrealistic.

 [related comic]

At one point in the show when Alaric Tay's character questions her about ambitions, Fonseka breaks into a sprightly monologue about how she's gonna sing blues etc etc, when we all know that the reply you get when you do the same to a real life local prostitute is “哈？你讲什么？”

Anyway, reading through the first line of the second paragraph prior to this, I have to clarify and disclaim any insinuations of me asserting that daughters of carrot cake stall workers cannot be perfectly articulate and full of charming wit. What I meant to say was that you, carrot cake stall worker's daughter, may or may not be articulate, just not perfectly, and you may or may not possess charming wit, just not full of it. I hope I cleared any doubts.

Another consequence of trying to be artistic and full of thought would be, well, the characters are always deep in thought. This makes for really long pauses at most parts of the movie, which I attempt to rectify by downloading the latest sound drivers. Then when I finished my download and maxed out my bandwidth, they resume their conversation. Assholes. If you cut the pauses the show is probably a fifth the entire length. It's like I started talking to you, and













only finished my sentence













here. Irritating? You bet.

Looking pass all that deliberate alienation of the local audience and deciphering through the accents, the storyline is actually quite nobbad. Not awe-inspiring but at least local production must give chance right?.

I ran out of steam.

Arrivederci.

Shit I caught the atas bug.