lifting spirits

Introduction
In light of the failing elevators in school, we have decided that something needs to be done. Here at TPGang, we are often misconstrued as social misfits and miscreants, but that is only because of our unorthodox (in comparison with the other elites) upbringing methods that landscape the fundamentals of Tampineian humility. In fact, it is this very breeding technique that has cultivated in us a refreshing point of view on most things, which culminates into our double existence as an think tank that provides alternative ideas to everyday problems. What our main existence is still yet to be determined.

That being said, before we start on the brainstorming, we have to dissolve the problem into smaller separate yet interlinked magnitudes. Very much like how Paul has his Wheel of Reasoning, and how there is also the Train of Thought, here we have Tam's Pines; where Tam was in fact the surname of the founder of our hometown, and Pines is a deliberate misspelling of the original word so as not to offend his mother-in-law.

The Problem
Without further ado, at the cusp of Tam's Pines would be the problem. What we have identified in recent times is a surprising decrease in load capacity of lift A in block A. With a plaque above the controls that proudly declares its year of manufacture along with its (theoretical) capacity of 20 persons, you would be lucky if it carries 8 guys up these days. Which brings me to a side note of how

The lift is a judgemental bitch
What can be worse than a mental person? A mental judge.
Once it becomes clear that there is no way in hell the door is going to close, stares are thrown in all directions. Queasiness are at insurmountable levels especially when most passengers do not know each other. However, here in the glorious institution, the courtesy to sacrifice yourself for the greater good is almost non-existent - after all, no elite in his right mind would trade off the chance at elevation with the momentary gratitude received for volunteering to mingle with the dirty peasants of Staircaseland. So now, there surfaces the interesting question, of whose factual accuracy has been constantly debated since the invention of arguments:

Who gets out?
I am sick of writing in prose so the following will be presented in the form of a flowchart.

Figure 1.1: Fate determinism of lift passenger

To summarise, in order to secure yourself a good place in that little room,

1. Be at one of the four corners
2. Don't be fat

These are tightly held trade secrets only divulged on select occasions. Please only spread when you have selected the occasion for when you want to divulge them.

Solutions
The workload solution:
With a clear understanding of the pertinent problems, we can come up with effective solutions. In a school like ours, a heavy workload is synonymous with our culture. Obviously this imposes upon us extra weight, which makes us heavier, which causes the lift to spoil faster. Equated mathematically,

Total mass M = g × (weight of person + weight of workload) × number of people

Which is pretty damn heavy. Taking g and weight of person to be constant, we still have to take into account the fact that the weight of workload is an increasing function with respect to time. And not forgetting, in some special scenarios, the person's weight is also an increasing function with respect to time. Hahaha fat piggish bastards.

Hence, the logical approach here would be to reduce workload. Not only does this solve the weight problem, it also reduces costs (by means of more efficacy and less maintenance required), a reason why Estate has restricted student usage of the elevators anyway. However, the central tenet of homework grumbles is and will be such a recurring theme on this blog that it will potentially bore readers and drive them away, so we have decided to skip it in its entirety. It will be included in the Appendix though, Sloman page 97 section III. I will not go through please read it on your own.

The better solution:
Scrap the mechanical and electronic aspects of the current elevators. Instead, if budgetary constraints permit, lifts A and B should be re-purposed to connect to each other via pulley system.

Figure 1.2: How traditional boring lifts work

Figure 1.3: Proposed re-purpose of current lifts

The methodology of these new creations are very simple. All the passengers have to do is to balance the weights of the two cars such that the passengers of each car can arrive at their respective destinations. When the system is established completely, a league-cup system can be put into place. Heaviest people get relegated weekly to remain at ground level at all times, constantly at the beck and call of the healthier ones to weight the new elevator system such that they can be raised to appropriate levels. Not only does this solve our root problem, this strategy also provides constant motivation for everyone to keep fit.

Okay done.